I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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