Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize