I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize