you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I smell stomach acid.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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