I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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