So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
