i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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