my phone needs a breathalizer
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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