Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
