I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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