I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
