i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
