oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize