Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
