i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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