Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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