You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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