this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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