Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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