They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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