wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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