I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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