My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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