Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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