You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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