I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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