Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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