was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
third nipple confirmed
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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