i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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