i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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