I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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