why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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