God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize