Having a random hookup so left but love u
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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