Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
