do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
