Duck Duck Cougar?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
