I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
