Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
