to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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