Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
