so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
