dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
