how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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