You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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