Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
