someone threw a dead crab at me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
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