so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
