she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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