You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize