she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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