Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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