Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
