I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
