You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
