Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
